Extra!

Ms. Courtney Love turns down star role in Mr. Eddie Murphy's new blockbuster of a movie, HO!

Gives way to U.S. Catholic magazine's Ms. Karen Kirkwood

Sez:

"Karen's the real - deal American Catholic variety, her theology really personifies the ho - story"


A very, very free - wheeling adaptation from Catholic confidential, Ms. Karen Kirkwood's featured article in the publication, U.S. Catholic. March 2009.


A few random sound bytes:

"A couple of times each month something stirs in my heart [??!!], and I know th eonly way to quiet the churning is to attend Mass."

SO, THEN WHAT?

"Once I'm there, however, I stare at the guy hanging on the wall and think, What in the world am I doing here?

WOW!

"Over the years the church's compassion - based social justice teachings filtered into my unconscious like layers of dust .

"I became a bona fide member of the Roman Catholic Church.

"[H]ere I am, a part of something I don't quite understand and probably never will."

LADY, YOU'RE SO RIGHT!

Once, she even thinks she's been overlooked at Communion, but at last the priest spots her in time, and "I ... consumed Jesus on the spot, received the grace I had come for, and returned to my seat."

"I can cross myself with ease now, but I mumble the prayers hoping no one notices that I don't know them.

SO, WHATEVER HAPPENED TO YOUR RCIA CLASSES?! :)

"Didn't I learn the prayers in RCIA classes, you ask?

"No, I never went to classes.

"When I finally decided to join the church [any church in particular? :) ], I called an older [apostate Christian?] priest friend [really?] for advice since he knew of my rebellious and doubting spirit [Wow! Ms. Courtney Love was so right! :)]

"He said, Find an old priest, the young ones are too conservative [translation: they believe in Jesus Christ!]

The older -- liberal - male - ho? -- priest she found was the man of her dreams, because "He brushed aside my fears of not knowing the prayers and the outward signs of belief and said they would come in time [Why would Satan even care if they never did?!]

"Instead, we concentrated on my spiritual path, the significance of the Eucharist, and the meaning of life.

"I loved it.

"I consumed several excellent books by [San Antonio's Archbishop José H. Gomez's Theologian - In - Chief] Ronald Rolheiser, O.M.I, that convinced me that I was making the right choice."

BUT! SATAN WANTED A DEFINITE LIFETIME COMMITMENT!

THUS, THE OBLIGATORY THREE - TIMES - REPEATED FORMULA THAT WE SEE IN THE BIBLE

"I asked the priest three times about my non - traditional thoughts [ like those of the St. Mary Magdalene's Catholic Parish Liturgy Committee, and their Big Indoor Paper Trash Burning Mitote of last November, huh?], and three times he stretched out his arms and said, The church is like a big umbrella, sheltering all different kinds of Catholics,liberal and conservative, the questioning and the certain.The church needs us all. You'll be fine.

AND THEN HER MAGNIFICENT IN YOUR FACE DECLARATION:

HER MS. COURTNEY LOVE MOTIF, IF YOU WILL

"I am no shining star of the church.

"I don't volunteer.

"I don't give much money.

"I am not a paragon of Catholic morality in the wider world.

"My theology is skewed from ignorance and stubbornness.

"I don' t know what everyone is talking about half the time.

"But here I am, God, here I am."