Friday, October 20, 2006

Day of the Ly'in Hos, the University of Texas at El Paso Story

Excerpt from: Day of the Ly'in Hos, the University of Texas at El Paso Story. Copyright: 2005
First Refusal Rights: Simon and Schuster, New York, New York.

ENTER SATAN'S HERALD: MENS ACTS RETREAT, THIRD DAY, MID-AFTERNOON

"It have been both stupid, indeed arrogantly so, for me to have ever had had anything to say in any way negative about the process of para-military initiation into what is called the Mens ACTS Retreat Community, a process that ran from late Thursday p.m. to mid Saturday afternoon, a little less than 48 hours.

"In retrospect what might now be called with at least a resonable accuracy as the militantly homosexual component had been held in leash. For me, it is simple justice to say that the organizers, presumably straight male personnel with conservative gay backing, had really scored a bll's eye.

"Although by no means coming up with a retreat in the classical sense of the word, these men had done one hell of a superb job. On a scale of 1 to 10, I'd have gone furher and given them an eleven, they were that squared away.

"Had the retreat ended right there and then, the Mens ACTS Retreat Community would have been gathering laurels for years to come. The bus could have had us back in time for the 5:15 PM Mass at St.Patrick's Cathedral, followed by the mother of all welcome back parties.

"And then disaster struck. There seemd to come a curious pause in the activities, followed by an exercise similar in scope to that found in a US Army 1964 publication detailing the work of rifle company commissars in the Soviet Army of Occupation. Our teams would do skits. Hey! Get a bunch of clowns together. Damn! Don't you know we'll all have some good boys in the band fun? You can bet on it.

"But then a funny thing happened, right from the start: Satan's Herald made is debut, from out of Anne Coulter's Chicks With D**** take on Sex and the City, or whatever it was called.

"I can't get no respect! My life is barely fifty-fifty! He shouted at us, with a glassy-eyed stare, microphone in hand. Father Rick's assistant Retreat Master, Father Tony, sat quietly staring right back at him with a medicated grin dutifully pasted on to his round and kindly face, he had already been very helpful to so many of us. But when that which would happen next came to pass, once the sun was really down, he would still need to steel himself with drugs.

"Satan's Herald raved on. Who knows? At this distance, based on the past six months of research we've done here at UTEP, I'd say he was summoning certain spirits associated with very specific Afro-Latino gender-changing deities.

Half Viagra! Half Exlax! Satan's Herald moaned, gobbled and howled into the microphone, already showing signs of so-called spirit penetration. He repeated himself, I can't get no respect! I'm feel like I'm always either coming or going!

"He was plainly showing, just as Ms. Coulter points out in her brilliant and controversial anthropological master piece, Chicks With D**** (2000), that he was both randy and ready.

"Almost none of us thought him particulary funny, nor amusing. Nor did many of us laugh, or for that matter even snicker.

"But Satan's Herald of the forthcoming Rites Within the Shadows of Darkness didn't really care. After all, you see, he was a pro. And his gender-changing Afro-Latino spirit-masters were everywhere on the march.

"Looked at from the point of view of anthropology Satan's Herald was in un-holy communion signaling the spirits of his demonic Afro-Latino gender-changing gods that he had accepted their mass spiritual-penetration of his body, mind, spirit and soul, and that when the Dark Shadows finally fell after supper that night, he, too, would do his part....

TO BE CONTINUED....

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